When In Rome, Do as the Romans Do
by LividTears
Summary: Duo wins a trip to Ireland, but their trip isn't all that it seems. The pilots are sucked into a strange dimension, where fairies and dragons are real...
1. cuddly bunnies and rainbowland

A/N: Hiya guys!! This one here is supposed to be a humor fic! I hope it's funny... haha... -.-; ummm, R&R pleez!!  
  
Disclaimer: Can't sue me, cuz I don't own them, and *sigh* I'm not making any money off of this. In fact, I'm dead broke.  
  
When In Rome, Do As the Romans Do  
  
chap. 1 ~ rainbowland and cuddly bunnies  
  
Duo let out his breath, only to see it form in front of him. His boots crunched in the snow as he made his way up the long, never ending path that led to an enormous mansion. Snowflakes fell, clinging to his eyelashes and sprinkling his knee-long braided hair. He reached the door, and found it locked. Irritation written on his face, he searched his pockets for his key, only to find that he didn't have it. "Shit, Quatre ain't gonna like me for this," he mumbled angrily as he flipped out a gun from his jacket and fired one, two, three times before the lock gave way. He shoved his way in, and the cold seeped into the warm mansion, turning it into a winter wonderland in a matter of seconds. Icicles hung from the chandelier, and snow layered the once carpeted floor.  
"Quatre, I suggest you turn the heat up!" Duo yelled into the mansion.  
"DUO!!!!!! That's the fourth time this week!" Quatre cried, scurrying down the sleek stairway.  
Duo smiled nervously, bracing for the impact of Quatre's lecture.  
"Can you STOP loosing your key?!" Quatre scolded, "At least break into the house in a way that won't freeze us all to death!"  
"Maxwell's always got to make an entrance," a third voice said from the second floor.  
"Ahhh, jeez Wu-chan, life's always better without your stupid comments," Duo grunted angrily.  
A blue-faced mailman appeared at the broken doorway, shivering. "Y- you D-uo Max-maxwell?" he said through clenched teeth.  
Duo faced the man, and nodded, "Yep, that's me, the 'God of Death!'"  
"Th-that's great...and I'm Frosty the Snowman. Just take the damn package and sign on the line so I can find somewhere warmer," he chattered, "Apparently someone didn't pay their heating bill."  
Quatre scowled as the mailman turned around and continued on his route. Heero appeared and noticed the change in temperature, "Quatre, did you turn off the heat?" Then, as he got closer to the broken doorway he understood, "Oh, Maxwell broke the door again. I'm going somewhere warmer." And with that, he climbed the stairway to his own warm room.  
"What's with people using surnames around here?" Duo muttered to himself.  
"Duo, you're paying for this damage." Quatre said confidently, closing the conversation.  
"But-but I don't have money!" Duo stuttered.  
"Then go grovel in the streets for all I care, this is the last time you're getting away with breaking the door, AND turning the house into the North Pole." Quatre fumed.  
Duo stuck his nose up into the air and went up to his room, dumping his package on his bed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Trowa stuck his head into Duo's room, only to find him snoring on his bed, drool hanging at the corner of his mouth. Disgusted, Trowa walked up to the snoozing Duo, and poked at him nervously, hoping that he could wake up Duo using minimal contact. "Wait for me cuddly bunnies... Off to rainbowland....." Duo drowzily mumbled in his sleep. Trowa backed up, savoring the moment of catching The God of Death muttering about "cuddly bunnies" and "rainbowland." Getting an idea, Trowa took out a gun and fired at the ceiling, the shot ringing in Duo's ears as he stood straight up in his bed, "Where's the cannon?!" he stupidly yelled.  
Trowa shook his head in exasperation as he calmly said, "It's dinner."  
Duo continued to stare stupidly as Trowa added, "And you might want to wear your jacket, apparently you caused chaos and Christmas is coming early this year."  
He walked out of the room, leaving Duo to wipe up the trailing spit on his jaw. ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Duo's teeth chattered as he walked into the dining room, without a jacket.  
Heero looked at Trowa and said, "Didn't you tell him to wear a jacket?"  
Trowa shrugged and continued to eat his dinner.  
Duo sat down and noticed Quatre sitting across from him. "Uh, is that you Quatre?"  
What was supposed to be Quatre was what resembled a huge sky-blue cottonball. The coat that Quatre was wearing was puffed up, and took up more than twice as much room as a normal person. A muffled uh huh could be heard in response as one puffy arm stabbed at its food, having difficulty picking it up.  
Dinner passed without much happening, and everyone retreated to the next room over, WITH A FIREPLACE, to defrost.  
Duo had brought down his package and began tearing at it, like a five- year-old kid at Christmas. He picked up the paper inside and huge neon green letters blared at him for all the world to see, "YOU HAVE JUST ONE AN ALL-EXPENSE PAID VACATION TO IRELAND FOR YOU AND FOUR FRIENDS!!!"  
It took a minute or so for that information to process in Duo's head as he exclaimed three minutes later, "Cool, I won a trip to Ireland."  
Heero looked up from his laptop and said doubtly, "You sure you read it right? What contest did you enter without me knowing?"  
Duo shrugged then scowled as he heard an insult coming from his lover.  
Wufei looked up and walked over to Duo, looking over his shoulder to read the piece of paper. "Yup, Maxwell read it right. Good job!" He patted Duo on the head before returning to his armchair. "But Maxwell didn't just win a trip to Ireland for himself, he gets to bring four buddies along with him." Wufei added.  
Duo stared at nothing, thinking (yes, you heard me, thinking). He slowly muttered to himself, "WHO should I bring....?"  
Quatre and Wufei, who were looking expectantly at Duo, fell over. Trowa shook his head, disappointed, and Heero muttered something that sounded like, "Omae o korusu, Duo no baka."  
Duo glanced around the room and pretended to notice his friends sitting around him for the first time, "OH, haha, how could I forget, I DO have friends, how stupid of me."  
Wufei muttered, "One out of two isn't so bad."  
Duo turned red as he proclaimed, "Alright, you guys are coming with me, BUT I'm not paying for that door Quatre, and Wu-man, no more stupid comments."  
"I'm not the one saying the stupid comments," Wufei mumbled angrily.  
"The trip's for two weeks and we've got, oh great, only two suites."  
Trowa and Quatre glanced at eachother as Duo stared at Heero. "Pick a pair Wu-chan, but I can gurantee you you'll feel left out, or rather get kicked out," Duo said cheerily, "So get packed up guys!"  
Wufei stood up and muttered to himself on the way out, "Why do I have to live with gay, homosexual freaks...?? Why?...Why me?!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A/N: Yeah, I know this first chapter isn't that funny, so I'm giving you guys chapters one and two at the same time, so if chapter two isn't here, come back later, k? ^.^ R&R!!!!!!!! 


	2. i feel pretty

A/N: I really hope ya'll think it's funny... o.O  
  
chap. 2 ~ i feel pretty...  
  
On the plane Quatre and Trowa were getting cozy as Duo took his seat next to Heero. Wufei looked at his friends and snorted, "Great, this is just great, just DANDY. I've got to sit next to Maxwell and people are going to actually know that I KNOW you freaks."  
Heero gave Wufei a look that implied that he should sit down and shut up.  
Wufei sighed and reluctantly sat down. To pass time (and embarassment) he meditated the whole flight. Getting off the plane he felt woozy and sick at the sight of Trowa and Quatre holding hands. "Can you guys retain yourselves in public?!" Wufei growled as they went through security. Quatre gave him a hurt look as he let go of Trowa's hand.  
At the hotel, Wufei dumped his luggage on the floor of Heero and Duo's suite. "Why are you here?" Duo asked him.  
"Why am I here?!" Wufei growled, "I'm HERE because Quatre literally threatened me at gunpoint to stay in here with you two. Believe me, I don't want to be in here any more than you want me here."  
Heero sighed and said, "Fine, but you're staying on the couch. And STAY on the couch."  
Wufei snorted and stated, "I have no intention of walking in on you and Duo. Believe me, that would shatter my life and my mind would never be cleansed of the sickening images." ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The five Gundam pilots walked down into the restaurant the next morning for breakfast. Duo spotted the buffet table and instantly started to fill his plate with everything that he saw fit for him. In fact, after Duo was done with the buffet table, there was nothing left. Quatre stared at Duo sitting at a table, plate piled high with food, shoveling food into his mouth nonstop. Wufei grumbled angrily, "Now what are we supposed to eat?"  
Apparently the four other pilots didn't get to eat anything, because right after Duo finished his meal, he dragged his friends out of the restaurant to join the tour group.  
"We're walking, we're walking, we're walking, we're walking, we're stopping," the tour guide, with a heavy Irish accent, rambled. "I'm Aoibheann O'Donoghue, and I will be your tour guide for today. This tour includes sights of Desmond Castle French Prison and Charles Fort."  
Quatre seemed interested immediately as he stuffed his nose into the nearest brochure. Trowa looked over Quatre's shoulder to see what he was reading and Heero and Duo were having a conversation on the gender of the tour guide.  
"I think it's a he...," Duo said slowly, "I mean, can't you see the mustache on his lip?"  
"Hn, no, I think it's a woman, although she is fairly large for one... I think Aoibheann is a woman's name." Heero countered.*  
Wufei stood by himself in the corner watching his friends leave him out...again.  
The sun shimmered brightly as the tour group walked out of the hotel. A dirt path was clearly marked and they marched behind the tour guide, like a flock of sheep behind their shepard.  
"We're walking, we're walking, we're walking," the tour guide droned,"To the right you see Desmond Castle French Prison, built as a custom house by the Earl of Desmond c.1500, Desmond Castle has a colourful history, ranging from Spanish occupation in 1601, during the Battle of Kinsale, to its use as a prison for captured American sailors during the American War of Independence. Know locally as 'The French Prison' after a tragic fire in which 54 prisoners, mainly French seamen, died in 1747. The castle was also used as a borough jail from 1791 to the onset of the Great Famine when it was used as an auxiliary workhouse tending to the starving populace. Desmond Castle was declared a National Monument in 1938. Today Desmond Castle is host to the International Museum of Wine. The exhibition documents the intriguing story of Ireland's wine links with Europe and the world...."** The flow of information never seemed to stop, and Duo suddenly got an idea that would make the tour a lot more interesting...  
Stepping a couple steps behind the group, he began to sing as loud as he could, "I FEEL PRETTY! OH SO PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND GAAAAAAAAAY!!!"  
Wufei looked back at Duo with disgust, and contorted to Duo, "Maxwell you ARE gay, so no need to tell the world that you FEEL gay."  
Duo took a breath and continued, with Wufei interjecting every other verse to make some comment or another, "AND I PITY ANY GUY WHO ISN'T ME TONIGHT!!"  
"It's day Maxwell, get your head straight."  
"I FEEL CHARMING, OH SO CHARMING! IT'S ALARMING HOW CHARMING I FEEL!! AND SO PRETTY THAT I HARDLY CAN BELIEVE I'M REAL!!!"  
"You're full of it Maxwell."  
"SEE THE PRETTY GUY IN THE MIRROR THERE? WHO CAN THAT ATTRACTIVE GUY BE? SUCH A PRETTY FACE, SUCH A PRETTY ASS, SUCH A PRETTY SMILE, SUCH A PRETTY ME!!!!"  
Heero shook his head in amusement and muttered, "Omae o korusu..."  
"I FEEL STUNNING AND ENTRANCING, FEEL LIKE RUNNING AND DANCING FOR JOY!! FOR I'M LOVED BY A PRETTY WONDERFUL BOY!!!!!" With that last verse, Duo found his way to Heero and put both his arms around his neck, with Wufei muttering something about bakas and dishonor. Trowa and Quatre were both in the front of the tour group, pretending they didn't know Duo, Heero, or Wufei (a smart move in my opinion).  
The numerous people in the tour group had all turned around to stare at Duo's musical performance, had looks of confusion on their face, as if waiting for more of the song. Apparently, the tour was boring them as well, and anything BUT the toneless drone of the tour guide was enough to amuse them. Quatre sensed the tension in the tour group and marched up to Duo and continued the song, "Have you met my good friend Duo, The craziest guy on the block? You'll know him the minute you see him, He's the one who is in an advanced state of shock. He thinks he's in love. He thinks he's in Spain. He isn't in love, he's merely insane. It must be the heat Or some rare disease, Or too much to eat, Or maybe it's fleas. Keep away from him, Send for Heero! This is not the Duo we know! Modest and pure, Polite and refined, Well-bred and mature And out of his mind!"*** Quatre finished the song breathlessly, it seemed that being held captive in his own home with nothing to watch but West Side Story really did come in handy sometimes. Trowa gave Quatre a blank look, then shook his head as walked over to his lover.  
Wufei only gave Quatre a smug look and commented, "Duo isn't polite, refined, well-bred, or mature, but he is out of his mind. Sooo... I guess the ending to that song is only half right Quatre."  
The irritated tour guide walked up to the five Gundam pilots with a disgruntled expression on his/her face. He/She stomped right up to Duo and snorted like a Mexican bull ready to charge. "What 'zis the matter young man?" He/She said through a heavy accent.  
"Nothing... ehh.." Duo was about to say madam, but didn't want to further endanger his life by calling a he a she and vice versa.  
"What 'zis your name?" the tour guide grunted.  
"Dick." Duo had a hard time holding in his laughter as he told the tour guide his "name."  
"Dick. I suggest you settle down and SHUT up, before you find yourself in the middle of the Sahara Desert with absolutely nothing to eat." He/She motioned to Wufei, Heero, Trowa, and Quatre, "And your friends will join you."  
"Been there, done that..." Heero muttered under his breath.  
As soon as the tour guide turned his/her back on the pilots, Duo, unable to control himself anymore, burst out in fits of laughter and started to roll around on the ground, clutching his sides as he gasped, "Quatre... that was a **laugh** great **HAHA** encore performance!" Quatre blushed a furious red as Duo continued to roll down the path, which just happened to be at the top of a hill. Duo, unable to control where he was going, went careening down the hill at breakneck speed, until he crashed into a very solid, medium-sized rock. "OUCH!!" he cried as his shoulder grazed the rock. He got onto his feet and stared at the rock that had nearly broke his skull into two. He began to kick the rock up the hill, as if by doing this would accomplish something. He reached the top of the hill where his friends were waiting for him and said, "Look I found a rock."  
Wufei involuntarily snorted and said, "Look, Maxwell found a rock, a non-living, non-thinking object, just like himself. Good job."  
Duo scowled as Heero let out a small chuckle. Even Trowa couldn't help but smile.  
The rest of the tour was as exciting as a bag of wet marbles. (I leave it up to you to decide whether or not the rest of the tour was interesting, because I have found people have different opinions on EXACTLY how interesting a bag of wet marbles really is. Don't ask.) The whole time, Duo amused himself by kicking the rock where ever the tour group went. At the end of the six hour long tour, with no lunch, so by then all five pilots were racked with hunger, Duo accidently kicked the rock into the heels of the tour guide. He/She turned around and gave Duo a menacing glare as /heshe looked down at his/her feet to see the rock he/she had been hit with. The "menacing glare" quickly turned into a panicked state.  
"YOU... YOU..."  
Duo stared at the tour guide and said, "Yes, I... I... did whatever you're about to accuse me with."  
"YOU MOVED DE HEILIGE LAVA ROTS!!!!"*  
Duo continued to blankly stare at the tour guide, "Excuse me?"  
Trowa replied to Duo's stupidity by saying, "The tour guide said that you moved the Sacred Lava Rock....in Dutch."  
"I thought this was Ireland, why are people talking in Dutch in Ireland??" Duo asked irritably. Trowa could only shrug.  
Duo continued, "Ummm... Is this a life-threatening situation? I mean, what's the price to pay if I move this damn lava rock? Condemned to hell? I'm the God of Death, hell don't scare me. A life of pain and suffering? My life's already filled with pain and suffering because of Wu- man here." Wufei flicked Duo off when he wasn't looking but Duo replied, "I saw that Chang." Wufei scowled and was tempted to break Duo's neck, but resisted only to let Duo live a little longer to hear what his punishment would be.  
"This is NO ordinary sacred rock!!"  
"And I suppose there are other sacred rocks in the world? Watch out guys, we might move sacred lava rocks in the future, someone make a mental note," Quatre said sarcastically.  
"If a person were to move THIS rock, it would open a rift between the dimensions and the foolish idiot who moved the rock and most of the people he knows will be sucked into that wormhole. No man has EVER come back from the dimension he was sucked into..." the tour guide finished in a hushed voice.  
"Uh huh, that's great... Listen, so far nothing has happened, and it's been six hours... Actually, because you were talking the whole time during the tour, it felt like six months, and that's already six months of my life wasted... Wait, I'm getting side-tracked, besides, what DIMENSION could we possibly get stuck in?" Just as Duo said these words, a huge hole seemed to open up around a foot off the ground, whirling endlessly, seemingly stirring and mixing the background into a spiral.  
"Good going Maxwell, you've jinxed us all..." Wufei muttered. Heero could only growl, "Omae o korusu Duo." And Quatre stared dumbfounded at the whirpool now formed in the air. Trowa just rolled his eyes and prepared for the worse. Duo stared through the whirpool and mumbled, "I think I am insane..."  
The ground seemed to lift them off their feet as the five, instoppable Gundam pilots were thrown headfirst into the wormhole of doom... ~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Aoibheann O'Donoghue really is an Irish woman's name, but I leave it up to your imagination to figure out if the tour guide is a woman or man. **All that crap on that french prison really is true, it truly is amazing what you can find on the internet. ***No, I do not own West Side Story either, and the lyrics to that song was altered a bit to fit Duo's personality and background. Again, it's amazing what you can find on the internet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A/N: haha, that's my pitiful attempt at a cliffhanger!! Review and then MAYBE when you come back next time, there will be a new chapter!! hehehe... 


	3. medevial times

A/N: HI!! I'm back!!! W/ more of course. Well, I realli hope u guys like it and I hope to get some reviews in the future.... *hint* *hint* haha, well read and review!!  
  
chap. 3 ~ medevial times  
Duo awoke to find himself on the ground, and his body felt ten times heavier than it normally would. He stood up and heard a clink-clank of metal and looked at his surroundings to find Heero, Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre lying on the ground as well, all wearing ridiculous-looking medevial armor. He started to laugh histerically at the sight of his friends in armor, which was enough to wake up the rest of the pilots.  
"Damn it... my head," Wufei grunted as he sat upright. He glanced up at Duo and retorted, "Maxwell, what is that obscene metal you're wearing?"  
Duo glanced down at himself only to notice that he was wearing the "ridiculous-looking" armor as well. "Shit, this does not work with my hair," Duo said, realizing for the first time the helmet on his head. Heero began to stir, and as soon as he regained consciousness he said, "Duo, as soon as we get back, that's two months of no bed time." Duo began to pout, but Heero didn't deter as he stood up noisily kicked Quatre in the side so he would wake up.  
Quatre let out a grunt as he sat up and said, "You didn't have to kick me Heero..." Quatre then got up and gently shook Trowa so he would wake up. In a couple of minutes, all five Gundam pilots were awake and well, all dressed in full-blown knight armor.  
"Why the hell am I dressed in this damn piece of metal?" Heero asked grumpily. The four other pilots could only shake their heads in confusement.  
"I blame Maxwell on this one," Wufei retorted, "If he had been a little less thick, maybe we all wouldn't be in this mess." As he said those words, a miniature, bright pink fairy flew up to the five pilots.  
"Welcome thou noble knights! Thou have entered the realm of thy Kingdom of Eekhoorns*," the fairy proclaimed in a squeaky voice.  
Duo gave the fairy a blank look as Trowa said, "The fairy thing said, 'Welcome noble knights. You have entered the Kingdom Of Squirrels'...in Dutch."  
"Again, we're SUPPOSED to be in Ireland, why do people speak in DUTCH?!" Duo commented.  
"Thou hast not in thy land thee calls Ireland. Thou in thy Kingdom of Eekhoorns. Thou has entered thy kingdom and thee hast been commenced with a quest! A noble quest, a quest darker than thy darkest shadows. Befallen upon thee is thy death!!" The fairy squeaked and continued to fly around, an annoying fly irritating the pilots, er... knights.  
"You need a translation Maxwell?" Wufei snorted irritably, waving his hands to ward off the fairy. Quatre shook his head, and Heero continued to glare at the fairy.  
"So what the hell are we supposed to do on this 'quest'?" Heero said, apparently not in the mood for manners.  
"Thou must save thy beautiful princess and bestow upon her true love's first kiss!" the fairy said indubitably.  
"HOHO! We've all got boyfriends here, so Wu-man you'll do the honors when we get there..." Duo said cheerily. Wufei scowled and muttered something about women being weak.  
"Where exactly are we going to find this princess?" Trowa asked impatiently.  
"I will be thy guide for three days and three nights. After that, thee must find the rest of thy way." The fairy finished. Trowa nodded and got up.  
"Hell no, I am not walking all that way to where ever this princess is, in this bloody armor. UH UH no way!" Duo said.  
The fairy giggled, "Thee ist so humerous. Of course not! Thee hast thy noble steeed." She pointed and following her finger the five knights saw five horses, each horse individualized for each knight. Duo's horse was indoubtfully black, Heero's horse a dark brown, matching his hair. Trowa's steed was a chesnut brown, Quatre's, a light blonde, and Wufei's horse was a shimmering silver.  
"OOoo, we get horses..." Duo was obviously in awe as he walked up to the black horse. Trowa, Heero, Wufei, and Quatre, who had all had experience with horses at one point and time in their life, got onto their horses gracefully as Duo clanked up to his horse and in an attempt to sit on his horse, he fell over and off the saddle, two feet from where he had originally stood. Wufei snorted and Heero got off his horse to help Duo onto his. After a long time, the impatient fairy cried, "Off we go on thy quest so noble and daring!" And so the five knights rode, into the sunset, stomachs growling with fierce hunger. ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
An hour or two on horseback, our noble heroes reached a black forest, ridden with mysterious beasts and uncanny creatures. Each knight racked with hunger, tired to the bone, and horses sagging under the knights weight.  
"Damn, my ass is killing me," Duo complained in a whine.  
The fairy giggled, "Thou hast not complain, thee is reaching thy destination for today. Then we shall rest for thy first part of thy journey is completed."  
Quatre rolled his eyes, tired of medevial talk (in fact, I'm tired of medevial talk and I'm going to be TALKING in medevial talk when I'm done with this fic...), and as much as he hated to admit it, "your ass really does ache after awhile," Quatre thought. Heero, the perfect soldier (well, now that we're in fairy tale land, I guess he's the perfect knight, ne?) sat straight up, refusing to give into sleep and hunger.  
"I say we find FOOD," Duo whined for the millionth time that day.  
"SHUT UP," cried the fairy in rage.  
"Hey hey! Even patient fairies can't stand Duo, this proves my point and in turn, it proves my theory," Wufei proclaimed victoriously.  
The fairy blushed crimsom and cleared her throat, "Ahem... Thou hast reached thy destination, thee may now find thy dinner and set up thy camp. I will be back for thou in thy morning." With that, she flew off into the dark red horizon.  
"Great..." Duo mumbled as he fell off his horse in an attempt to climb down from it. The horse, no longer standing his heavy rider, slumped down on the ground, falling asleep immediately.  
The remaining knights collapsed on the ground, armor clinking. Duo proceeded to try and take off his armor, and found he could take off most of it.  
"Hey, you think I can shoot something for dinner?" Duo asked as he stood up and reached for his gun, only to find that it wasn't there. "Hey, where's my gun?!" Duo began tearing at his clothing, hoping to uncover at least one of his guns or knives. Heero looked down at his gun's holster, finding that none of his numerous guns and various knives were there. Wufei looked down at his waist, discovering that his precious katana was replaced with a huge cold steel sword.  
"I suppose we could hunt with these..." Wufei unsheathed the sword and immediately fell over at the immense weight of it. None of the other knights had any other weapon except for a sword as well, and each knight looked at eachother, hoping that at least one of them would have an idea as to how to hunt for dinner with it.  
"Damn..." Trowa muttered as he dragged his sword behind him.  
Quatre calmly stated, "I say we all scatter and find some food... all of us, except for Duo, haven't eaten since YESTERDAY and are really damn hungry." Everyone nodded in agreement and each knight barely lifted their sword off the ground as they went into five different parts of the woods.  
Another hour later and Duo came back with absolutely nothing, Quatre had two squirrels, Trowa had five squirrels, Wufei had hunted three squirrels, and Heero bested them all by killing eight squirrels. All in all, they had a total of eighteen "roasted over the spit-fire" squirrels, cooked medium-rare and ready to eat.  
"I say Duo gets the least food, since he ate a damn well breakfast AND got us into this mess AND he didn't contribute at all to the squirrel pile," Wufei said, smirking.  
"Apparently all this 'land' has to offer is squirrels," Trowa stated blandly.  
"Does that mean we're gonna have to fight monstrous, human-eating squirrels?" Duo said sarcastically. Actually, the way Duo said it, he was more 30% sarcastic and 70% serious. "And I'm really hungry, please, please pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?? Heero tell them I can eat!" Duo began to pout at a consistant rate. Heero began to open his mouth to say something, but Duo pushed his lips onto Heero's, holding the passionate kiss for a long time. Duo broke away and stared at Heero with puppy eyes. Heero sighed and smiled as he gave Duo his share of the squirrels. Wufei looked utterly disgusted as Quatre and Trowa followed Duo and Heero's lead and started kissing passionately over their dinner.  
"Okay people, STOP. Not while I'm eating. Do this when I'm not here, and do this when we're not in the middle of some alternate universe where pink fairies tell us where to go and what to do. Do this when we're back home, doing actual life-threatening, realistic missions that make sense!" Scolding turned into rambling as Wufei continued down his list. Duo, Heero, Trowa, and Quatre stared at Wufei for a couple of seconds before returning to what they were doing before they were so rudely interrupted.  
After dinner, the fire dimmed and embers glowed as our five heroes settled down to sleep, thoughts on home and reality. ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
A rooster cackled out of nowhere and Duo sat upright as the rooster continued to sing. "Damn thing, I thought there were only squirrels in this land..." Duo thought obscurely as he moved to wake up Heero and the others. Everyone had just woken from their slumber when they saw a speck of pink trail towards them.  
"Great, the fairy from hell is back," Wufei mumbled sleepily. Quatre chuckled at Wufei's comment, but stopped and grew more serious as the fairy reached them.  
"Good day, noble knights! How was thou slumber? Fit for a knight, I pray?" Without waiting for an answer, she turned and shouted, "We parry onward!" Five knights groaned as they hoisted themselves upon their steeds (horses grumbling on the inside as well, for their masters were getting incredibly heavier each day).  
"Um, fairy... Why don't we have guns?" Duo asked stupidly out of the blue.  
"What is thy object thee speaks of? In thy Kingdom of Eekhoorns no modern object is contained within thy walls," the fairy proclaimed. Duo grunted in irritation.  
The sun shadowed the forest, and only speckles of sunlight could be seen through the thick canopy of leaves. The clip-clop of the horse's hooves was the only sound to be heard as the knights rode in silence.  
"STOP! In front of thee is thy magic lamp, for if thee rubs it, thy will get three wishes! Make haste, for we have little time!" The energetic fairy squeaked. Everyone looked at Duo as if saying, "You got us into this mess, now get us out." Duo rolled his eyes and sighed as he fell of his horse again. Placed on a stone table was a gold lamp and Duo cautiously walked back to his friends, holding the lamp as if it were made of glass. "Rub thy lamp, noble knight and wish for a raw T-Bone steak and neon lights. The last wish is for thee to claim." the fairy said.  
Duo looked at his companions questioning the ridiculous items the fairy told him to wish for. Heero said slowly, "We should do as she says, for she lives in these lands and knows the quest." Duo nodded as he rubbed the lamp and a blue, ghostly genie appeared before him.  
"Good master, I am to serve you!" the genie cried. "Now this guy I like," Duo thought happily.  
"Umm... I wish for a raw T-bone steak and neon lights..." Duo said slowly, "But.. uh, I haven't decided on my last wish yet." The genie nodded and before Duo appeared a T-bone steak, wrapped carefully in white paper and a neon light sign. "Sheesh, this land has neon lights and not guns? What was all that modern object crap?" Duo thought tiredly. The genie then handed Duo a slip of paper, upon which had the words, "REDEEM FOR ONE WISH. EXPIRES WITHIN TWO WEEKS."  
Duo looked up at the genie and said, "Raincheck?" The genie nodded and spiraled back into the lamp, which disappeared.  
Duo smiled happily at his fellow knights and clambered back on his horse, which neighed in exhastion at the addtional weight of the neon sign and the T-bone steak. ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Finally exiting the forest, the knights came across a tunnel, made of solid rock and granite. "Through the tunnel courageous knights, forthwith we venture!" the now annoying fairy screamed. Within the cave, there was not a speck of light to be seen (well, I guess since it's so dark you can't see anything, then it only makes sense that you can't see light... whoa, that just made no sense...). The echoing of the horses hooves drove Duo mad as he yelled, "Hey look it's my echo!" Responding to his cry came, what other than, his echo: "Hey look it's my echo... my echo...my echo...." Apparently amused Duo continued, "Damn this trip and it's corniness, oh, and damn Wufei for everything." Wufei scowled as his name rung in the caverns of the tunnel. "Damn Wufei for everything... everything... everything...."  
A loud squeak emitted from nowhere and everyone presumed it was the fairy. "What's wrong fairy? Why are you squeaking?" Quatre asked, trying to make this quest a little more interesting.  
The fairy replied, "Nay, 'twas not me, befallen upon us is thy dark, evil vampire." As the words left her mouth, a huge bat swooped down on Duo, attempting to bite his neck or gorge his eyes out.  
Heero looked at Duo fight off the bat as he yelled at no one in particular, "No one bites Duo's neck but me!" Blood rushed to Heero's face as he said those words and Duo was flattered for a moment, but kept warding off the bat. "Omae o korusu," Heero mumbled.  
"Thy neon lights dear knight! Turn them on and cast away thy terror!" The fairy cried. The bat abandoned Duo and flew to face the front of the company. Growing bigger and taller, fur on its face diminished and a white, pale face with protruding pearl fangs appeared. Its cape clothed the thin shoulders and its greasy black hair almost shimmered, for it was the brightest thing in the cave.  
Seizing the moment, Duo found the on/off switch on the lights and turned it on, bright, yellow gold words screaming at the vampire, alternantly flashing the message, "EAT AT JOE'S." The vampire screamed at retreated to the inner depths of the cave, with Wufei muttering about the stupid phrase written on the sign. Duo smiled triumpantly as he turned the sign to face him. He read the message and looked at the fairy with a puzzled look. "Eat at Joe's? Eat at Joe's? What am I, a walking advertisement?" he asked. The fairy shrugged and flew onward to the exit of the cave.  
Light poured on the knights' faces as they stepped into the sunshine. Hopefully this living hell would be over with soon... ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N: Hehe, what happens next? Will the G-boys find their way out of this medevial time? All these questions will be answered in the next chapter, all I'm asking for is... you guessed it! REVIEWS!!!!!  
  
*That really is the Dutch word for squirrels, pretty kooky, huh? I dedicate the whole squirrel section to one of my dear friends... Although, she'll probably hunt me down and kill me for that... haha... ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	4. damn you maxwell

A/N: There really isn't much to say 'cept R&R. sry i'm a little unenthusiastic, but i've got a serious headache and i'm really tired at the moment... o.O (Oh, yeah, by the way, this is the final chapter, tell me what you guys think pleez)  
  
chap. 4 ~ "damn you maxwell"  
Another night spent with dead squirrels and exhausted knights. "Ya know, I'm getting pretty sick of eating squirrels," Quatre said sighingly, "They taste really bad..." Trowa turned to Quatre and nodded his head in agreement. Heero didn't say anything as he slowly ate his roasted squirrel and Wufei had a look of disgust on his face everytime he bit into the foul things. Duo was devouring his meal non-stop, hoping that by eating and not tasting, he could live.  
Morning came, and the annoying fairy came once again to greet the knights, "Thou is thy last day of my guidance. Thou shalt journey far today, so as to make good of my services, nay?" The five knights grumbled in recognition and Duo untied the neon sign from his horse, figuring there couldn't possibly be any other use for it. The horse seemed to have an extra flounce in its step as it set out on its journey today, glad to be rid of some weight.  
The gravel path crunched under the horse's hooves as Trowa yawned, apparently bored. "Done nothing this whole time... **yawn** Just sat on my ass and rode a horse... Although, since Quatre is here, it isn't soooo bad," Trowa thought drowsily, glancing at Quatre. Quatre caught Trowa's glanced and smiled. "Life always seems better with Quatre around," Trowa continued his trail of thought, although (no offense to Trowa) it was a pointless train of thought. Well, that train went falling off a bridge as Trowa spotted a huge stone castle, in front of which stood a large emerald two-headed dragon, scales glittering in the sunlight and teeth pointed and ready to puncture anything that dared to pass it.  
The fairy spotted the castle too, and said, "Farewell, brave, noble, and couragous knights! If thou ist lucky, thee will live through thy dragon! It's claws fierce and determined to tear you limb from limb." The medevial accent seemed to fade away as she continued to describe the knights deaths, as if she found joy in finding them dead next tuesday, all piled up and eaten, not a scrap of meat on the bones... She coughed and continued, "Fare thee well, I wish thee luck. Use thy T-bone steak to distract thy dragon, and charge into the castle, sword drawn and courage high! Farewell!" And with that, she flew off into the forest, disappearing into the shadows.  
"Well, she was helpful," Quatre admitted as he watched the fairy fly away. Trowa nodded in agreement as he turned to stare at the dragon.  
"Hey, ya know what I just thought of? That dragon kinda resembles Wu- man! Ya know, the two heads represents Wufei's split personality... The scales represents his true physical form when we're all not looking, AND doesn't Wufei call himself the 'Solitary Dragon'?" Duo rambled. Wufei growled with irritation and turned to Duo, "Well at least I'm not the one that got us into this crap. You and your blown up head, you just HAD to go singing a verse of 'I'm So Pretty,' didn't you?"  
Duo nodded cheerily and Heero steered his horse in between Wufei's and Duo's. "Stop it you two," he commanded. Duo stared at Heero and said, "Convince me to stop, Hee-chan." Heero rolled his eyes but gave in, locking his lips with Duo's, and holding them there for at least a minute. Quatre turned to Trowa, but Trowa shook his head and mouthed, "Not now, later, I promise." Quatre grinned and steered his horse forward, right behind the rest of the company, perhaps they were all riding to their doom.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Duo unwrapped the steak and as they rode closer and closer to the dragon he flung it up into the air, the dragon, having two heads and there only being one steak, it started to fight with itself. (Oldest trick in the book, but hey, it works). Careening their horses up the flights and flights of stairs, the five knights breathlessly got down from their horses (and in Duo's case, falling off his horse), they tried to open the door of the princess's room, but to no avail, discovering that the lock was indeed, locked.  
Duo muttered under his breath, knowing that the steak wouldn't hold out forever and the dragon could come at any minute to "tear them limb from limb" as the fairy so vividly described. In rage and in frustration, Duo yelled, "DAMN IT, I WISH I HAD A GUN!!" On cue, a gun appeared in his hands and he remembered the last wish he had left.  
"Good job Maxwell, you've wished yourself a gun, now break through the lock like you so skillfully broke at Quatre's house," Wufei grumbled impatiently.  
Duo smirked and fired one, two, three times before the lock gave way and Duo shoved his way into the room. In the corner of the room, by the windowsill a bed sat with a feminine figure lying on it. Light brown locks flowing off the bed and hanging in the air. Duo steppped back a step and pushed Wufei to the center of the room, "Go get her Wu-man!!" Wufei scowled and began to protest when Duo pulled out his newly aquired gun and pointed it at Wufei's head, slowly cocking it mockingly. Wufei growled and said, "I'll get you for this Maxwell." Duo smiled and the rest of the pilots watched as Wufei approached the sleeping figure.  
The closer Wufei got to her, the more she looked familiar. "Holy shit..." Wufei muttered loudly.  
"What's wrong Wufei?" Heero asked impatiently, he just wanted to get in and out, no big deal, just finish this damn "quest" and return home...  
"It's...it's Relena!!" Wufei exclaimed. Heero flinched at the name and made a face. It seemed like he could never get away from that stalker. "Damm it," he muttered.  
Wufei turned back at the other pilots, "Damn you Maxwell." He slowly bent down and kissed Relena on the lips, for a brief moment, only enough to awaken her, but not enough for one to call it a real kiss.  
Relena's eyes fluttered as she found Wufei standing over her. "Did you just kiss me Chang?" she asked angrily.  
"Shut up Peacecraft, I had no choice in the matter," Wufei growled.  
Relena sat up to find Heero in the same room as her and she nearly toppled over with delight. "HEERO!!!" she screamed as she stood up and started to chase Heero around the room again and again and again and again and again.... Duo put his foot out in front of Relena and before she knew it her face was on the ground, mouth full of dirt and pebbles and she spat them out. "Damn you Maxwell."  
Duo smiled and said, "Well, I'll be damned!"  
Trowa rolled his eyes and said, "Aren't we supposed to go home now? I mean we finished this damn quest so isn't the wormhole supposed to open up now?"  
As if on cue, a whirlpool appeared in the air and it spiraled, sucking up all five gundam pilots and one very unhappy vice foreign minister, sweeping them away into reality. ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Back from Ireland, Trowa and Quatre sat together in the mansion, surrounded by nothing more than eachother. Duo and Heero seemed to be in the same mood, while Wufei however, was in the bathroom, going through tube after tube of toothpaste trying to cleanse his mouth of Relena's spit. "Damn... you... Maxwell..." he growled through brushes.  
After home from Ireland, the five Gundam Pilots were reluctant to even walk on pebbles or rocks ever again, the "quest" with a fairy and horses playing through their minds. Rather living with everyday missions, the Gundam Pilots condemned themselves to the mansion.  
However, after a couple of weeks, life seemed to get boring in the mansion, so they decided to take a trip to Hawaii, somewhere nice and tropical. At the base of a volcano, Duo stared in awe at it. He looked down at his feet, and saw the most peculiar rock... ~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE END~  
  
A/N: Yay! I'm all done! Pleez review even if the fic. is finished cuz I realli want some feedback. hehe, thanx for all of those that have kept up w/ the story and to those that have taken their time out to review. If there's anything more u guys want me to add, change, write, etc... either e- mail me or review... yea, that's all I got to say. THANX!! 


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